MY LATEST POEM ' I AM PERFORMING AN UNENDING HOMA '

                                                                               

(I Am Performing an Unending Homa )

Nature moves on,

with a strange, merciful indifference,

As though my unhappiness

were never written into its design.

Night dissolves into dawn,

evening descends like a lullaby,

and the world yields;

softly, completely

to sleep.

But not I.

O Lord,

Why did you inscribe

this cruel insignia of wakefulness

upon my forehead?

Through day and through night,

I perform an unending Homa,

A sacrificial fire without an altar,

Without a priest,

Without end.

It does not sanctify,

It consumes.

And I;

I stand alone before it,

Trembling,

Compelled to whisper Swaha,

again and again,

“I offer this, I surrender this,”

Until my own voice begins to sound like ash.

What offering is this

That never fulfils the ritual?

How much of myself

Must I cast into this fire

before it is satisfied?

What fire is this

that denies completion,

that mocks the very promise

of ending?

Have you turned your gaze away

?Has that sleep forgotten my name?

Or is silence itself afraid

to descend upon this burning soul?

Am I bound, then,

by some unseen, merciless decree of Yours,

To feed this flame endlessly,

To break myself into fragments,

To offer breath after breath,

Hope after hope,

Until nothing remains;

But a handful of ash and even that

left unclaimed by the wind?

Tell me,

Will there ever come a Poorn-ahuti,

That final, merciful surrender,

When this torment is gathered

and ended in a single grace?

Or have you denied me even that?

condemned me instead to an eternal ritual,

Without completion,

Without release?

Is this Homa my trial,

or is it my punishment?

Am I being purified

or slowly erased?

I do not know.

I do not know.

I do not know.

(Avtar Mota )

CHINAR SHADE by Autarmota is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 India License.

Based on a work at http:\\autarmota.blogspot.com\.