HUMOUR AND KASHMIRIS

                                               ( vegetable shop on Kashmir )

                                                                               

                                                       ( Baand Theatre of Kashmir )

This is “tchend validhi taas”  or you can say “ tseot validhi lawaas ” . You can also say “beanz  validhi  maas ” said  my friend Manzoor .

“He is a funny man dear  Outtar ( Avtar ) . What does he say in Kashmiri ?  ”  said John Clark , Manzoor’s friend and guest.

“ Nothing special. He is defining this old Amira Kadal bridge in relation to the newly constructed bridge. ‘tseot’ means the bread sold by Kashmiri bakers. ‘ lawaas’ is a bigger sized bread which is thinner.’tchend’ is a mild slap while ‘taas’  means a forceful punch. ‘beanz’  and ‘maas’ mean mother and daughter . The word ‘validhi’ means  son of or defines parentage . I believe you get what he says.”  That is how I  clarified to the guest of my friend Manzoor. John Clark  was a carpet buyer from the US .

“Mister I make simple for you. In English what Farangi  understand is ‘fail validhi pass’ . This go very simple.” said Manzoor to John Clark. John and Manzoor were standing on the old Amirakadal bridge and looking towards  the new bridge. Manzoor was a Kashmir handicrafts trader and owner of a houseboat. Kashmiris connected with the tourist industry would easily impress Americans or Europeans with their crisp humour.

John Clark would come to the bank to encash Thomas Cook traveller cheques and one day Manzoor requested me to accompany them to the  Sri Partap Museum,  Lal Mandi. Since John wanted to go on foot and move through the market, we took a longer route. Right from Lal Chowk, Manzoor started gossiping and telling funny stories to John who would simply keep smiling and nodding.  All along the journey ,  Manzoor kept impressing us with his humour and pranks .

I vividly remember when the new Amirakadal bridge was thrown open for traffic, the old bridge nearby was not demolished. The old bridge continued to exit for many years close to the new bridge. A footpath market had come upon the old abandoned bridge. This market had left little space for pedestrian traffic. One  had to push his  way through the  crowd of ramshackle shops and onlooking buyers. The bridge was full with traders selling everything from garment buttons to cheap plastic wares. You could buy dry fruits, shoes, cheap crockery, ready-made garments and old clothes ( called Bangladesh in local parlance ). So clever were the sellers that they made people try these old and new ready-made garments on the bridge  to the curious gaze of the  crowds. You could buy cheap transistor sets, tape recorders ( called ‘Type Record’ in local parlance ). The market used to be the busiest centre for the purchase of a cheap and duplicate variety of goods. You could buy a BOLA shoe with word BOLA made to look like BATA. One could also enjoy a street magician show. The Saande Ka Tel ( lizard oil ) seller made tall claims about his product. The Pathan selling Josh e Mardaana (  tonic for male fertility ) made you taste the tonic prepared in your presence from crushed dry fruits fried in clarified butter. The loud music at the cheap cassettes shop or the parrot seller with his caged birds tempted you for a look. The cheap perfume seller, the footpath Jyotishi ( fortune teller ) holding the hand of an ignorant villager or an army soldier and telling him what future lay in store for him could also attract your attention. The shabby-looking Sardar Ji or the footpath dentist grabbing the jaw of a poor villager with dirty forceps could be offending at times. The knife sharpener with his bicycle producing sparks.With ‘ Kailash Cafeteria’ nearby where Kashmiri Pandits would be relishing Kebabs and Kapoor Vaishno Bhojnalaya across  the  Jhelum river  or Prem Ji street nearby where fresh and delicious bread was sold, the old bridge had its special presence in the area. The lane near the old bridge led you to the Lal Ded hospital. Passing through this area we went to the  S.P. Museum, Lal Mandi.

Names of some shops in Srinagar also depicted inherent Kashmiri humour. We had many shops with funny and catchy names. A shop in the Dal lake area had following board  hung at its entrance.

“ Manna,  The Lovely Art of Lovely Land ”

A  prominent shop dealing in Kashmiri handicrafts  was run under the name and style  “ Subhana The Worst  ”. This business house had a competing shop run under the name and style  “ Subhana The Best  ” . There was another shop  dealing in  Kashmiri handicrafts  run under the name and style “ Same Same But Different ”.

 At times, these names made you laugh. But then this was also a marketing technique which certainly paid its dividends. Some business houses had serious names like  “Suffering Moses ”.

 Canadian author Thomas Chandler Haliburton writes :-

 “ Nicknames stick to people, and the most ridiculous are the most adhesive.”
And the nicknaming hobby with  the Kashmiris is centuries old. Even most of the surnames in Kashmir are based on nicknames only. Teasing to the point of making a person go wild with rage is known as ‘Garmaavun’  in Kashmiri. Garmaavun used to be a favourite entertainment with  the Kashmiris. I remember children in Rainawari walking behind a Kashmiri Pandit , Jia Lal by name and crying:-

“ Jia lal marnas chhuyi kamiy kaal”

( Jia Lal, you are to die very  shortly. )

Girls or women were also not spared. A simple girl in Rainawari was named ‘Ganda Tsoor’( onion thief ). Another woman from Rainawari   named Rupaawati  would be called “ Rupawati , taam roz aeti ” or “Rupawati,  stay put  at that place only” .

I have heard many ladies ( Pandits and Muslims in our locality  ) saying :-

“ Kyaa saa ye chhaa treya tsoor vaanuss pyaath beehith . Me ouss stove sherun .”

( Has this Treyaa ( Triloki Nath Pandit ) , the thief opened his shop? I needed to visit him to set my kerosene stove in order  .)

Another Kashmiri Pandit in Rainawari was nicknamed ‘dhe nazar’  or ‘just have a look’. Whenever he was seen in the market  , children would cry ‘dhe nazar’ forcing him to look around so that everyone would just giggle and enjoy. A Halwai shop in Rainawari had a Kashmiri Pandit helper who was nicknamed ‘Alla Yakhani’  meaning  a dish that had gourd cooked in curd .  This man would go berserk with rage when any person would cry ‘Alla Yakhni’ behind his back. He would pass on abuses to one and all in a very loud tone and run after boys to thrash anyone whom he could catch. Shopkeepers in Jogilanker first provoked  the boys to tease this helper and later enjoyed this drama from a safe distance . In Rainawari, we had persons with nicknames like Bekal Batta( foolish Pandit ), Paachi Russ ( soup from leg portion of a sheep ), Gandaa Oluv ( onions and potatoes ), Amma Babur, Fashionee Fotedar, Maama Koll, Naatha Ditt, Tiklee, Kokker Tsoor , Yaavv Kuth , Ramzaan Londe , Tuwaan Bachaa ,Tsatta Russ , Tikka Waavij , Curfew Bachaa and Miskeen Budd . In  the college, I remember some very respectable and senior professors being nicknamed as Nissar Gotta, Machhi Khan, Indira Gandhi, Theek Ayaa Ji and Lung Taas. Quite often I felt ashamed at these nicknames for our teachers.

There used to be a drillmaster in Hari Singh High School, Rainawari Mohd Siddiq by name. Everybody called him Sidd Poraath( Sidda Parantha ). Another bandmaster was called Nera Band( Niranjan Nath ) by boys in the DAV School, Rainawari. In the  Hindu High School, Sheetal Nath, the drillmaster Janki Nath was nicknamed as "Jana Military". Shri Mohammad Yusuf who joined as principal at the S.P. College, Srinagar  (a couple of years after we left) was nicknamed ‘Yusuf Jandhagor’( Yusuf the rag seller ). Shri Mohammad Yusuf was a well-read teacher and the  author of some books.  The Kashmiris did not spare their popular leaders. I remember a Ladishah ( a satirical composition ) sung by  the Kashmiris nicknaming Sheikh Mohammad Abdullah, Bakshi Ghulam Mohammad and Mirza Afzal Beigh.The Ladishah possibly composed around 1953,  unfolded some events in a satirical manner . I quote:-

‘Thadiss nai  aqal  aess tundus kyah  guv

Vaarini  haendh  netchive duniya  khyav’

(If the tall man (Sheikh Mohd Abdullah ) acted unwisely, what happened to physically handicapped( Mirza Afzal Beigh ). Now, look, how a midwife's son (Bakshi Ghulam Mohammad) grabbed the opportunity and sat on the throne .)

Sh. Shamas ud din who became  the prime minister  after Bakshi Ghulam Mohammad was removed under Kamraj Plan was nicknamed as Shamma Kath ( Shamma the sheep ) by the Kashmiris. Late D. P. Dhar was called D. P. Whiskey. I have heard many Kashmiris calling Sheikh Mohammad Abdullah as Oluv Bub ( potato father ). A slogan was created by Kashmiris to suit popular sentiment during peak popularity of Sheikh Mohammad Abdullah. The slogan had inherent satire and humour . I quote :-

‘ Alla karegaa  vaangan  karega , bub karega  bub karega ’

( Whatever father like Sheikh Mohammad Abdullah does for Kashmir ,  let him do . Even if he makes it a  brinjal or gourd  let him make it .)

In the early seventies of the last century I heard some people raising a satirical and humour packed slogan. I quote :-

“Ye  muluk nakhas tulukh

Ponduss  hyotukh dabaluss  kunukh”

( This country has been carried on shoulders,

Bought for a pound, It has been sold for a penny. )

Kashmiris greet each other with this popular line:-

‘Vaaraai chukh sa’

( Are you fine dear ?)

Through a song they even made fun of this popular sentiment : I quote :-

“Bhabi pather beh

Garam garam batah khey

Ba nai pataah laarai

Ahaan bhi Vvaaraai

Vaaraai  chakha  bhi  vaaraai ”

( Bhabi sit down,

have hot rice,

I shall not follow you?

Are you fine?

Yes I am fine )

Shri Ghulam Mohammad Shah or Gul Shah as he was known when he became chief minister of J&K was nicknamed “Gul -Curfew ”in Kashmir for the repeated imposition of undeclared curfews.

I would often hear the cries of the Channa  ( roasted chickpeas ) seller on the footpath outside our bank. He would cry this :-

“Channa hey channa hey

Paanaai  iwaan  khyena  hei

Bell bottom channa hey”

( Buy channa  buy channa .

It goes down the gullet without effort.

Buy this bell-bottomed channa)

We would generally walk to our college from Rainawari. Quite often,  near Sathu Bar Bar Shah, my friend Kuldeep Machama would start his trick. He would make a poor face and request every man riding a bicycle and rushing towards Lal chowk to pick him up. He would say this:-

“ Ba chhuss bemaar

me tulakh na college taam

khoda saeb sozi hajuss ”

( I am sick. Can you pick me up to my college?

Surely with God's grace, you shall perform Hajj. )

Quite often the drama brought results in the shape of a free ride up to the  S. P. College. Whenever he failed to impress, he would cry at the back of the speeding cyclist:-

‘Bemaarus footruthh dil

Tse sozun khoda saeb judguss’

( You have broken the heart of a sick man,

let God put  you before a Judge )

In  the D.A. V. School, Rainawari, I had a mischievous class fellow named Tej Krishen Kaul Kataal. This Kataal family lived at Karapora,  Rainawari near Mian Shah Sahib shrine. There was hardly any  Pandit or Muslim in his locality who was not conferred a nickname by Tej Krishen. Many boys tried to befriend him to avoid being nicknamed, but this was never so as he gave a nickname to his closest friends and relatives. Sri Krishen, his close friend used to sing ‘dum dum digaa digaa’ when both of them smoked charas ( cannabis ) filled  cigarettes inside the Karpora Temple along with the south Indian  caretaker Sadhu .And then Sri Krishen was aghast to notice some Mohalla boys crying loudly ‘Sri Dum Dum’ the moment he walked on the road. Nicknames devised by Tej Kirishen Kaul  had something to do with the personality of his victims. For example, he devised the nickname “ Ingli Guitar ” for his friend Kuldeep  Koul when he saw a new Guitar brand watercolour box in his school bag. Kuldeep Kumar’s father served in the army and accordingly, the boy would converse in Hindi with some English words.   Surprisingly, this irritated Tej Krishen Kaul and  he devised a nickname .

 

                                                                      

                                              ( A Kashmiri shopkeeper 1950 )

                                                                   

                       ( New Amirakadal bridge )
       

For our elderly  school drawing teacher who always put on colourful Dastaar ( headgear ),  Tej Krishen Kaul created ‘Rang –Dastaar’ as his nickname. This nickname gained enormous popularity not only in the school but also in entire Rainawari.  The  Schoolboys and  the shopkeepers  in Rainawari cried ‘Rang Dastaar’ as and when they saw this elderly drawing teacher. I vividly remember what hell was created for this simple drawing master by the boys in the school when nickname " Rang-Dastaar'  changed to  shortcut ‘Ranga’ .

One day, at the baker’s shop, Tej Krishen Kaul  heard an elderly Kashmiri  Pandit saying this :-

“ Raatus ouss zabardast tufaan daarien guv tarakh dhi bizin.”

 ( Tonight we had stormy winds. The windows rattled creating a sound like  ‘tarakh dhi  bizin’. )

The moment Tej Krishen heard ‘tarakh dhi bizin’, he forgot he had to buy bread and in a fit of excitement, he ran away from the shop crying “tarakh dhi bizin,  tarakh dhi bizin, shukriya, shukriya, wah wah , wah wah ”. And from  next day, the elderly Pandit came to be  known as  ‘tarakh dhi bizin’ .

The enormous popularity of some Kashmiri  plays  like  ‘Hero Machama’ ,  ‘Shabrang’ and  ‘Hazaar Dastaan’ on radio or television substantiates my argument that Kashmiris and humour are inseparable. And quite often, this humour exceeded its limits and turned to sheer lampooning. But then humour does not necessarily imply that the person is happy within. Urdu poet Bashir Badr comes to my rescue for this argument.

'Yeh  hansee  bhi  koyi  naqaab hai

Jahaan  chaahe  hum  ne giraa  diyaa

Kabhi uss ka dard  chhuppa  gaye

Kabhi  apna  dard  chhuppa  liya .'

( These smiles on my face act like a mask

Whenever I desire,  I use it.

Sometimes I use it to hide the  pain of others

and sometimes I use t to hide my own pain )

( Avtar Mota )

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