“This is TCHEND Validhi TAASS or you can say TCHEOT validhi LAWAAS.You can also say BEANZ Validhi MASS .”
“He is a funny man Mr Outtar . What does he say in Kashmiri ”
“ Nothing special. He is defining this old Amira kadal bridge in relation to the newly constructed bridge . Tseot means the bread sold by kashmiri Bakers .Lawaas is a bigger sized bread which is thinner .Tsend is a mild slap while Taass means a forceful Punch. Beanz and Mass mean mother and Daughter .The word Validhi means “ son of or defines parentage ” . I believe you get what he says.” I clarified to John Clarke guest of my friend Manzoor and a carpet buyer from USA .
“Mister i make simple for you . In English what Farangi understand is FAIL validhi PASS ” said Mr Manzoor to John Clarke his guest . John and Manzoor were standing on old Amirakadal Bridge and looking at the New Bridge. Manzoor was a Kashmir Art trader and owner of a house Boat . That is how kashmiris impressed even Americans or Europeans with their crisp humour .
John Clarke would come to the bank to encash Thomas Cook Traveller cheques and one day Manzoor made a request to accompany them to Sri Partap Museum Lal Mandi . Since John demanded to go on foot and move through Bazaars , we took a longer route . Right from lal Chowk ,Manzoor would gossip and tell funny stories to John who would simply keep smiling and nodding . One simpleton and the other just playing pranks .
I remember that when the new Amirakadal bridge was thrown open for traffic , the old bridge near by was not demolished .(The remains of the old bridge still exist side by side to the new bridge in the photograph uploaded by me . This photo was taken in Dec2009.The second photograph uploaded is the new foot bridge to connect lal Mandi area with lal Chowk ).In fact a foot path market had cropped up on the old abandoned bridge .This market had left little space for the pedestrian traffic . You had to push your way from a crowd of ramshackle shops and onlooking buyers . Traders selling everything from garment Buttons to cheap plastic wares. You could buy dry fruits , shoes, cheap crockery ,Ready made garments and old clothes ( called Bangla Desh in Local parlance ). So clever were the sellers that they made people to try these old and new ready made garments on the road to the curious gaze of crowds . You could buy cheap transistor sets , tape recorders ( Called Type Record in local Parlance ). The market used to be the busiest centre for purchase of cheap and duplicate variety of goods .You could buy a BOLA shoe with word BOLA made to look like BATA .One could also enjoy a street magician show . The Saande Ka Teil ( Lizard Oil ) seller made tall claims about his product. The Pathan selling Josh e Mardaana ( sold as Tonic for Male Fertility ) made you to taste the tonic prepared in your presence from crushed dry fruits fried in Desi Ghee .The loud music at the cheap cassettes shop or the Parrot seller with his caged birds tempted you for a look. The cheap perfume seller , the footpath Jyotishi ( Fortune Teller ) holding hand of an ignorant villager or an Army soldier and telling him what future lay in store for him could also attract you . The shabby looking Sardar ji or the footpath Dentist grabbing jaw of a poor villager with dirty forceps could be offending at times . The knife sharpener with his bicycle producing sparks .With Kailash Cafeteria nearby where Kashmiri Pandits would be relishing Kebabs and kapoor Vaishno Bhojnalaya across Jhelum or Prem Ji street nearby where fresh and delicious Bread was sold , the old bridge had its special presence in the area .The lane near the old bridge led you to the Lal Ded Hospital. Passing through this area we went to SP Museum Lal Mandi.
Names of some shops in Srinagar also depicted inherent kashmiri humour .We had many shops with funny and catchy names.A shop in Dal Gate area had following Board hung at its entrance .
“MANAA THE LOVELY ART OF LOVELY LAND”
. One prominent shop of a Kashmiri Handicrafts dealer was run under the name and style
“SUBHANA THE WORST ”
This business House had a competing shop run under the name and style:
“SUBHANA THE BEST ”
There used to another shop of a kashmiri art trader run under the name and style
“ SAME SAME BUT DIFFERRENT ”.
These names made you to laugh at times . But then this was also a marketing technique which certainly paid its dividends . Some business houses had serious names like
“ SUFFERRING MOSES ”
To me humour appears to be a part of kashmiri living . .But the nicknaming hobby with kashmiris is centuries old . Even most of the castes in kashmir are based on nicknames only. Teasing to the point of making a person go wild with rage is locally known as GARMAAVUNN. GARMAAVUN used to be a favourite entertainment with kashmiris I remember children in Rainawari walking behind a kashmiri Pandit Jia Lal By name and cryin
“JIA LAL MARANUSS CHHUYEE KAMIYEE KAAL”
( Jial lal You are to die shortly ) .
Girls or women were also not spared. A simple girl in Rainawari was named GANDAA TSOOR( Onion Thief ).Another women from Rainawari named Rupaawati would be called
RUPAWATI TAAEN ROAZ ATTI
( Rupawati . Hold on at that place only. )
I have heard many ladies ( Both Pandits and Muslims in our Mohalla ) saying :
Kyaa Saa Ya Chhaa Treya Tsoor Vaanuss Peyth Beehith . Me ouss stove Sheroon
( Has this Treyaa ( Triloki Nath Pandit ) the Thief opened his shop ? I needed to visit him to set my kerosene stove right .)
Another kashmiri Pandit in Rainawri was nick named Dhe Nazar ( Just have a look ). When he walked children would cry Dhe Nazar forcing him actually to look around so that every one would just giggle and enjoy.A Halwai shop in Rainawari had a Pandit helper who was nicknamed ALLA YAKHANI ( Gourd cooked in curd ) ,a popular dish in Pandit Households. This man would go Berserk with rage when any person would cry ALLA YAKHANI behind his back . He would pass on abuses to one and all in a very loud tone and run after boys to thrash any one so caught by him. Shopkeepers in Jogi lanker first provoked boys to tease this helper and later enjoyed this Drama silently .We had persons with nick names like Bekal Batta( foolish pandit ) , Pachee Russ ( Soup from leg portion of a sheep ), Gandaa Oluvv ( Onions and Potatoes ), Amma Babur, Fashionee Fotedaar, Maama koll, Nathaa Ditt, Tikalee,Kokker Tsoor , Yaavv Kuth ,Ramzaan Londde , Tuwaan Bachaa ,Tsattaa Russ , Tikka waavij ,Curfew Bachaa and Miskeen Buudd in Rainawari . In college i remember some very respectable and senior professors being nicknamed as Nissar Gotta , Machhi Khan ,Indira Gandhi , Theek Ayaa ji and Lung Taas . Quite often I felt ashamed at these nicknames for our teachers .
There used to be a Drill Master in Hari Singh High school Rainawari Mohd sidiq by name . Everybody called him Sidd Poraath( Sidd Parantha ).Another Band master was called Nerra Band( Niraan Jan Nath ) by boys in DAV school.In Hindu high school Sheetal Nath Bar Bar Shah, you had a drill master Janki Nath by name who was nicknamed as Jana Military . Shri Mohd Yusuf who joined as Principal of S P college Srinagar a couple of years after we left would be called Yusuf Jandhagor( Yousuf the Rags seller ) . Shri Mohd yusuf was a well read teacher and author of some books as well. Kashmiris did not spare their popular leaders . I remember a Ladishah ( a satirical composition ) sung by kashmiris nicknaming Sheikh Mohd Abdullah , Bakshi Ghulam Mohd and Mirza afzal Beigh .The Ladeeshah possibly composed around 1953 unfolded some events in a satirical manner conveying essentially :
( If Tall Man or Sheikh Mohd Abdullah acted unwisely , what happened to Mirza Afzal Beigh . Look how Bakshi Ghulam Mohd grabbed the opportunity and sat on the throne .)
Sh.Shamas Ud Din who became Prime Minister( Now called CM ) after Bakshi Ghulam Mohd was removed under Kamraj Plan was nick named as Shamma Kath ( Shamma the Sheep ) by Kashmiris . Late D P Dhar was called D P Whiskey. I have heard many kashmiris calling Sheikh Mohd Abdullah as Oluvv Bub ( Potato father ). A slogan was created by kashmiris to suit popular sentiment during Peak popularity of Sheikh Mohd Abdullah . The slogan had inherent satire and humour :
ALLA KAREGAA WANGUNN KAREGAA BUB KAREGAA
( Whatever Sheikh Mohd abdullah shall do let him do for kashmir .
Even if he makes Brinjals or gourds , let him make it .)
In early seventies i heard some people raising a satirical and humour packed slogan
YEH MULK NAKHUSS TULUKH
PONDUSS HEUTUKH DABALUSS KUNUKH
( This country has been carried on shoulders ,
Bought for a pound , It has been sold for a Penny. )
Kashmiris greet each other with a popular line
VAARAI CHHUKH SAA
( Are you fine dear ?)
Through a song they even made fun of this popular sentiment .
BHAIBEE PATHER BEH
GARAM GARAM BATTA KHEH
BAA NAI PATTA LAARAI
AHAAN BEE VAARAI
VAARAI CHUKH BEE VAARAI
( Bhabi sit down,
Have hot rice
I shall not follow you?
Are you fine .
O Yes I am fine )
Shri Ghulam Mohd shah or Gul Shah as he was popularly known when he became chief minister of J & K came to be known as GUL CURFEW in Kashmir for repeated imposition of curfews.
I would often hear the cries of the CHANNA ( Roasted Kabuli Gram ) seller on the footpath outside our bank
CHANNA HEY CHANNA HEY
PAANAI IWAAN KHEINN HAY
BELL BOTTOM CHANNA HEY
( Buy Channa Buy Channa .
It goes down the gullet without effort.
Buy this bell bottomed Channa)
We would quite often walk to our college from Rainawari. . Quite often near Sathu Bar Bar Shah, my friend Kuldeep Machama would start his trick. He would make a poor face and request every man riding a bicycle and rushing towards Lal chowk
"BAA CHHUSS BEMAAR
ME TULAKH NAA COLLEGE TAAM
KHODAA SAAB SOZEE HAJUSS."
( I am sick . can you pick me upto my college .
Surely with God's grace you shall perform Hajj )
Quite often the drama brought results in the shape of a free ride upto S P College . Whenever he failed to impress, he would cry at the back of the speeding bicyclist;
BEMMARUSS FOOTRUTH DIL
TCHE KHODAA SOZUUN JUDGUSS
( You have broken the heart of a sick man
Let god send you before a Judge )
Enormous popularity of some plays to quote
HERO MACHAMA, SHABRANG and HAZAAR DASTAAN on Radio or Television substantiates my argument that Kashmiris and Humour are inseparable.And often this humour exceeded its limits also and turned to sheer lampooning. But then Humour does not Necessarily imply that the person is actually happy within .Urdu poet Bashir Badr comes to my rescue for this argument.
Yeh hansee Bhi Koi Naqaab hai
Jahaan Chaahe Hum Ne giraa diyaa
Kabhi Uss Kaa dard Chuppa gaye
Kabhi Apnaa Dard Chuppa Liyaa.
( Autar Mota )
Sunday 23 september , 2012 ...Time 11.45 PM.... good night ....
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