This is “tchend validhi taas” or you can say “ tseot validhi lawaas ” . You
can also say “beanz validhi maas ” said
my friend Manzoor .
“He is a funny man dear Outtar ( Avtar ) . What does he say in
Kashmiri ? ” said John Clark , Manzoor’s friend and guest.
“ Nothing special. He is defining this old Amira Kadal
bridge in relation to the newly constructed bridge. ‘tseot’ means the bread
sold by Kashmiri bakers. ‘ lawaas’ is a bigger sized bread which is thinner.’tchend’
is a mild slap while ‘taas’ means a
forceful punch. ‘beanz’ and ‘maas’ mean
mother and daughter . The word ‘validhi’ means
son of or defines parentage . I believe you get what he says.” That is how I
clarified to the guest of my friend Manzoor. John Clark was a carpet buyer from the US .
“Mister I make simple for you. In English what Farangi understand is ‘fail validhi pass’ . This go
very simple.” said Manzoor to John Clark. John and Manzoor were standing on the
old Amirakadal bridge and looking towards the new bridge. Manzoor was a Kashmir
handicrafts trader and owner of a houseboat. Kashmiris connected with the
tourist industry would easily impress Americans or Europeans with their crisp
humour.
John Clark would come to the bank to encash Thomas Cook
traveller cheques and one day Manzoor requested me to accompany them to the Sri Partap Museum, Lal Mandi. Since John wanted to go on foot and
move through the market, we took a longer route. Right from Lal Chowk, Manzoor
started gossiping and telling funny stories to John who would simply keep
smiling and nodding. All along the
journey , Manzoor kept impressing us
with his humour and pranks .
I vividly remember when the new Amirakadal bridge was thrown
open for traffic, the old bridge nearby was not demolished. The old bridge
continued to exit for many years close to the new bridge. A footpath market had
come upon the old abandoned bridge. This market had left little space for
pedestrian traffic. One had to push
his way through the crowd of ramshackle shops and onlooking
buyers. The bridge was full with traders selling everything from garment
buttons to cheap plastic wares. You could buy dry fruits, shoes, cheap
crockery, ready-made garments and old clothes ( called Bangladesh in local
parlance ). So clever were the sellers that they made people try these old and
new ready-made garments on the bridge to
the curious gaze of the crowds. You
could buy cheap transistor sets, tape recorders ( called ‘Type Record’ in local
parlance ). The market used to be the busiest centre for the purchase of a
cheap and duplicate variety of goods. You could buy a BOLA shoe with word BOLA
made to look like BATA. One could also enjoy a street magician show. The Saande
Ka Tel ( lizard oil ) seller made tall claims about his product. The Pathan selling
Josh e Mardaana ( tonic for male
fertility ) made you taste the tonic prepared in your presence from crushed dry
fruits fried in clarified butter. The loud music at the cheap cassettes shop or
the parrot seller with his caged birds tempted you for a look. The cheap
perfume seller, the footpath Jyotishi ( fortune teller ) holding the hand of an
ignorant villager or an army soldier and telling him what future lay in store
for him could also attract your attention. The shabby-looking Sardar Ji or the
footpath dentist grabbing the jaw of a poor villager with dirty forceps could
be offending at times. The knife sharpener with his bicycle producing
sparks.With ‘ Kailash Cafeteria’ nearby where Kashmiri Pandits would be
relishing Kebabs and Kapoor Vaishno Bhojnalaya across the Jhelum
river or Prem Ji street nearby where
fresh and delicious bread was sold, the old bridge had its special presence in
the area. The lane near the old bridge led you to the Lal Ded hospital. Passing
through this area we went to the S.P.
Museum, Lal Mandi.
Names of some shops in Srinagar also depicted inherent
Kashmiri humour. We had many shops with funny and catchy names. A shop in the
Dal lake area had following board hung
at its entrance.
“ Manna, The Lovely
Art of Lovely Land ”
A prominent shop
dealing in Kashmiri handicrafts was run
under the name and style “ Subhana The
Worst ”. This business house had a
competing shop run under the name and style
“ Subhana The Best ” . There was another
shop dealing in Kashmiri handicrafts run under the name and style “ Same Same But
Different ”.
At times, these names
made you laugh. But then this was also a marketing technique which certainly
paid its dividends. Some business houses had serious names like “Suffering Moses ”.
“ Nicknames stick to people, and the most ridiculous are the most adhesive.”
And the nicknaming hobby with the Kashmiris
is centuries old. Even most of the surnames in Kashmir are based on nicknames
only. Teasing to the point of making a person go wild with rage is known as ‘Garmaavun’
in Kashmiri. Garmaavun used to be a
favourite entertainment with the Kashmiris.
I remember children in Rainawari walking behind a Kashmiri Pandit , Jia Lal by
name and crying:-
“ Jia lal marnas chhuyi kamiy kaal”
( Jia Lal, you are to die very shortly. )
Girls or women were also not spared. A simple girl in
Rainawari was named ‘Ganda Tsoor’( onion thief ). Another woman from Rainawari named Rupaawati would be called “ Rupawati , taam roz aeti ”
or “Rupawati, stay put at that place only” .
I have heard many ladies ( Pandits and Muslims in our
locality ) saying :-
“ Kyaa saa ye chhaa treya tsoor vaanuss pyaath beehith . Me
ouss stove sherun .”
( Has this Treyaa ( Triloki Nath Pandit ) , the thief opened
his shop? I needed to visit him to set my kerosene stove in order .)
Another Kashmiri Pandit in Rainawari was nicknamed ‘dhe nazar’
or ‘just have a look’. Whenever he was
seen in the market , children would cry
‘dhe nazar’ forcing him to look around so that everyone would just giggle and
enjoy. A Halwai shop in Rainawari had a Kashmiri Pandit helper who was
nicknamed ‘Alla Yakhani’ meaning a dish that had gourd cooked in curd . This man would go berserk with rage when any
person would cry ‘Alla Yakhni’ behind his back. He would pass on abuses to one
and all in a very loud tone and run after boys to thrash anyone whom he could
catch. Shopkeepers in Jogilanker first provoked the boys to tease this helper and later
enjoyed this drama from a safe distance . In Rainawari, we had persons with
nicknames like Bekal Batta( foolish Pandit ), Paachi Russ ( soup from leg portion
of a sheep ), Gandaa Oluv ( onions and potatoes ), Amma Babur, Fashionee
Fotedar, Maama Koll, Naatha Ditt, Tiklee, Kokker Tsoor , Yaavv Kuth , Ramzaan
Londe , Tuwaan Bachaa ,Tsatta Russ , Tikka Waavij , Curfew Bachaa and Miskeen
Budd . In the college, I remember some
very respectable and senior professors being nicknamed as Nissar Gotta, Machhi
Khan, Indira Gandhi, Theek Ayaa Ji and Lung Taas. Quite often I felt ashamed at
these nicknames for our teachers.
There used to be a drillmaster in Hari Singh High School,
Rainawari Mohd Siddiq by name. Everybody called him Sidd Poraath( Sidda
Parantha ). Another bandmaster was called Nera Band( Niranjan Nath ) by boys in
the DAV School, Rainawari. In the Hindu
High School, Sheetal Nath, the drillmaster Janki Nath was nicknamed as
"Jana Military". Shri Mohammad Yusuf who joined as principal at the
S.P. College, Srinagar (a couple of
years after we left) was nicknamed ‘Yusuf Jandhagor’( Yusuf the rag seller ).
Shri Mohammad Yusuf was a well-read teacher and the author of some books. The Kashmiris did not spare their popular
leaders. I remember a Ladishah ( a satirical composition ) sung by the Kashmiris nicknaming Sheikh Mohammad
Abdullah, Bakshi Ghulam Mohammad and Mirza Afzal Beigh.The Ladishah possibly
composed around 1953, unfolded some
events in a satirical manner . I quote:-
‘Thadiss nai aqal aess tundus kyah guv
Vaarini haendh netchive duniya khyav’
(If the tall man (Sheikh Mohd Abdullah ) acted unwisely,
what happened to physically handicapped( Mirza Afzal Beigh ). Now, look, how a
midwife's son (Bakshi Ghulam Mohammad) grabbed the opportunity and sat on the
throne .)
Sh. Shamas ud din who became the prime minister after Bakshi Ghulam Mohammad was removed under
Kamraj Plan was nicknamed as Shamma Kath ( Shamma the sheep ) by the Kashmiris.
Late D. P. Dhar was called D. P. Whiskey. I have heard many Kashmiris calling
Sheikh Mohammad Abdullah as Oluv Bub ( potato father ). A slogan was created by
Kashmiris to suit popular sentiment during peak popularity of Sheikh Mohammad
Abdullah. The slogan had inherent satire and humour . I quote :-
‘ Alla karegaa vaangan
karega , bub karega bub karega ’
( Whatever father like Sheikh Mohammad Abdullah does for
Kashmir , let him do . Even if he makes it
a brinjal or gourd let him make it .)
In the early seventies of the last century I heard some
people raising a satirical and humour packed slogan. I quote :-
“Ye muluk nakhas
tulukh
Ponduss hyotukh dabaluss
kunukh”
( This country has been carried on shoulders,
Bought for a pound, It has been sold for a penny. )
Kashmiris greet each other with this popular line:-
‘Vaaraai chukh sa’
( Are you fine dear ?)
Through a song they even made fun of this popular sentiment
: I quote :-
“Bhabi pather beh
Garam garam batah khey
Ba nai pataah laarai
Ahaan bhi Vvaaraai
Vaaraai chakha bhi vaaraai ”
( Bhabi sit down,
have hot rice,
I shall not follow you?
Are you fine?
Yes I am fine )
Shri Ghulam Mohammad Shah or Gul Shah as he was known when
he became chief minister of J&K was nicknamed “Gul -Curfew ”in Kashmir for
the repeated imposition of undeclared curfews.
I would often hear the cries of the Channa ( roasted chickpeas ) seller on the footpath
outside our bank. He would cry this :-
“Channa hey channa hey
Paanaai iwaan khyena hei
Bell bottom channa hey”
( Buy channa buy
channa .
It goes down the gullet without effort.
Buy this bell-bottomed channa)
We would generally walk to our college from Rainawari. Quite
often, near Sathu Bar Bar Shah, my
friend Kuldeep Machama would start his trick. He would make a poor face and
request every man riding a bicycle and rushing towards Lal chowk to pick him
up. He would say this:-
“ Ba chhuss bemaar
me tulakh na college taam
khoda saeb sozi hajuss ”
( I am sick. Can you pick me up to my college?
Surely with God's grace, you shall perform Hajj. )
Quite often the drama brought results in the shape of a free
ride up to the S. P. College. Whenever
he failed to impress, he would cry at the back of the speeding cyclist:-
‘Bemaarus footruthh dil
Tse sozun khoda saeb judguss’
( You have broken the heart of a sick man,
let God put you
before a Judge )
In the D.A. V.
School, Rainawari, I had a mischievous class fellow named Tej Krishen Kaul
Kataal. This Kataal family lived at Karapora,
Rainawari near Mian Shah Sahib shrine. There was hardly any Pandit or Muslim in his locality who was not
conferred a nickname by Tej Krishen. Many boys tried to befriend him to avoid
being nicknamed, but this was never so as he gave a nickname to his closest
friends and relatives. Sri Krishen, his close friend used to sing ‘dum dum
digaa digaa’ when both of them smoked charas ( cannabis ) filled cigarettes inside the Karpora Temple along with
the south Indian caretaker Sadhu .And
then Sri Krishen was aghast to notice some Mohalla boys crying loudly ‘Sri Dum
Dum’ the moment he walked on the road. Nicknames devised by Tej Kirishen Kaul had something to do with the personality of
his victims. For example, he devised the nickname “ Ingli Guitar ” for his
friend Kuldeep Koul when he saw a new
Guitar brand watercolour box in his school bag. Kuldeep Kumar’s father served
in the army and accordingly, the boy would converse in Hindi with some English
words. Surprisingly, this irritated Tej Krishen Kaul
and he devised a nickname .
