HUMOUR AND KASHMIRIS ARE INSEPARABLE .NICKNAMING WAS FLOURISHING INDUSTRY IN KASHMIRI SOCIETY .

“This is TSEND Validhi TAASS or you can say TSEOT validhi  LAWAAS.You can also say BEANZ Validhi MASS .”

“He is a funny man Mr Outtar . What does he say in Kashmiri ”

“ Nothing special. He is defining this old Amira kadal bridge in relation to the newly constructed bridge . Tseot means the  bread sold by kashmiri Bakers .Lawaas is  a bigger sized bread which is thinner .Tsend is a mild slap while Taass means a forceful Punch. Beanz and Mass mean mother and Daughter .The word Validhi means  “ son of or defines parentage ” . I believe you get what he says.” I clarified to John Clarke guest of my friend  Manzoor  and a carpet buyer from USA .

“Mister i make  simple for you . In English  what Farangi understand is FAIL validhi PASS  ” said Mr Manzoor   to  John Clarke his guest  . John  and Manzoor   were standing on old Amirakadal Bridge and looking at the New Bridge. Manzoor  was a Kashmir Art trader and owner of  a house Boat . That is how kashmiris impressed even Americans or Europeans  with their  crisp humour .

John Clarke  would  come to the  bank to encash   Thomas Cook Traveller cheques  and  one day  Manzoor made a  request  to accompany them to Sri Partap Museum Lal Mandi  . Since John  demanded to go on foot and move through Bazaars , we took a longer route  . Right from lal Chowk ,Manzoor would gossip and tell funny stories to John   who would simply keep smiling and nodding  . One simpleton and the other just playing pranks .

 I remember that when the new Amirakadal bridge was thrown open for traffic , the old bridge near by was not  demolished .(The remains of the old bridge still exist side by side to the new bridge in the photograph uploaded by me . This photo was taken in Dec2009.The second photograph uploaded is the new foot bridge  to connect lal Mandi area with lal Chowk ).In fact a foot path market had cropped up on the old abandoned  bridge .This market had left little space for the pedestrian traffic . You had to push your way from a crowd of ramshackle shops and onlooking  buyers . Traders selling everything  from garment Buttons to cheap plastic wares. You could buy dry fruits , shoes,  cheap crockery ,Ready made garments and  old  clothes ( called Bangla Desh in Local parlance ). So clever were the sellers that they made people to try these old and new ready made garments  on the road to the curious gaze of  crowds . You could buy cheap transistor sets , tape recorders ( Called Type Record in local Parlance ). The market used to be the busiest centre for purchase of cheap and duplicate variety of goods  .You could buy a BOLA shoe with word BOLA made to look like BATA .One could also enjoy a street magician show . The Saande Ka Teil ( Lizard Oil ) seller made tall claims about his product. The Pathan selling  Josh e Mardaana ( sold as Tonic for Male Fertility )  made you to taste the tonic prepared in your presence from crushed dry fruits  fried in  Desi Ghee .The loud music at the cheap  cassettes shop or the Parrot seller  with his caged birds tempted you for a look. The cheap perfume seller , the footpath Jyotishi ( Fortune Teller ) holding hand of an ignorant villager or an Army soldier  and telling him what future lay in store for him  could also attract you . The shabby looking Sardar ji or the footpath   Dentist  grabbing jaw of a poor villager with dirty forceps could be offending at times . The knife sharpener with his bicycle producing sparks .With Kailash Cafeteria nearby where  Kashmiri Pandits would be relishing Kebabs and kapoor Vaishno  Bhojnalaya   across Jhelum  or Prem Ji street nearby where fresh and delicious Bread was sold , the old bridge had its  special presence in the area  .The lane near the old bridge  led you to the Lal Ded Hospital. Passing through this area we went to SP Museum Lal Mandi.

 Names of some shops in Srinagar also  depicted inherent kashmiri humour .We had many shops with funny and catchy names.A shop in Dal Gate area had following Board hung at its entrance .

“MANAA THE LOVELY ART OF LOVELY LAND”
. One prominent shop of a Kashmiri Handicrafts  dealer was run under the name and  style

“SUBHANA THE WORST ”

This business House had a competing shop run under the name and style:

“SUBHANA THE BEST ”

 There used to another shop of a kashmiri art trader run under the name and style

“ SAME   SAME   BUT   DIFFERRENT  ”.

 These names made you to laugh at times . But then this was also a marketing technique which certainly paid its dividends . Some business houses had serious names like

“ SUFFERRING MOSES ”

To me humour appears to be a part of kashmiri living . .But the nicknaming  hobby with kashmiris is centuries old . Even most of the castes in kashmir are based on nicknames only. Teasing to the point of making a person go wild with rage  is locally known as GARMAAVUNN. GARMAAVUN  used to be a favourite entertainment with kashmiris I remember children in Rainawari walking behind a kashmiri Pandit Jia Lal By name and crying

“JIA LAL  MARANUSS CHHUYEE  KAMIYEE   KAAL”

 ( Jial lal You are to die shortly ) .

Girls or women were also not spared. A simple  girl in Rainawari was named GANDAA   TSOOR( Onion Thief ).Another women from Rainawari named Rupaawati would be called  

RUPAWATI     TAAEN    ROAZ  ATTI

 ( Rupawati . Hold on at that place only. )
I have heard many ladies ( Both Pandits and Muslims in our Mohalla ) saying :
Kyaa Saa Ya  Chhaa Treya Tsoor Vaanuss Peyth Beehith . Me ouss stove Sheroon 


( Has this Treyaa ( Triloki Nath Pandit ) the Thief opened his shop ? I needed to visit him  to set my kerosene stove right .)
Another kashmiri  Pandit in Rainawri was nick named Dhe Nazar ( Just have a look ). When he walked  children would cry Dhe Nazar forcing him actually to look around so that  every one would just giggle and enjoy.A Halwai shop in Rainawari had a  Pandit helper who was nicknamed ALLA  YAKHANI ( Gourd cooked  in curd ) ,a popular dish in Pandit  Households. This man would go Berserk with rage when any person would cry ALLA   YAKHANI   behind his back . He would  pass  on  abuses to one and all  in a very loud tone and run after boys to thrash any one so caught by him. Shopkeepers in Jogi lanker first provoked boys to tease this helper  and later  enjoyed this Drama silently  .We had persons with   nick names like  Bekal Batta( foolish pandit ) , Pachee Russ ( Soup from leg portion of a sheep ), Gandaa  Oluvv ( Onions and Potatoes ), Amma Babur, Fashionee Fotedaar, Maama koll, Nathaa Ditt, Tikalee,Kokker Tsoor ,  Yaavv Kuth ,Ramzaan Londde   , Tuwaan Bachaa ,Tsattaa Russ , Tikka waavij ,Curfew Bachaa and  Miskeen Buudd in Rainawari  .  In college i remember some very respectable and  senior professors being nicknamed as Nissar Gotta , Machhi Khan ,Indira Gandhi  , Theek Ayaa ji and Lung Taas .  Quite often   I felt ashamed at these nicknames   for our  teachers .

There used to be a Drill Master in Hari Singh High school Rainawari  Mohd sidiq by name . Everybody called him Sidd Poraath( Sidd Parantha ).Another Band master was called  Nerra Band( Niraan Jan Nath ) by boys in DAV school.In Hindu high school  Sheetal Nath Bar Bar Shah, you had a drill master Janki Nath by name who was  nicknamed as Jana Military .  Shri  Mohd Yusuf  who joined as Principal of S P college Srinagar  a couple of years after  we left  would be called Yusuf Jandhagor( Yousuf the Rags seller ) . Shri Mohd yusuf  was a well read  teacher and author  of some books as well. Kashmiris did not spare their popular leaders  . I remember a  Ladishah ( a satirical composition ) sung by kashmiris nicknaming Sheikh Mohd Abdullah , Bakshi Ghulam Mohd and Mirza afzal  Beigh .The Ladeeshah possibly composed around 1953  unfolded some    events in a satirical manner conveying essentially  :

( If Tall Man or Sheikh  Mohd Abdullah acted unwisely  , what happened to  Mirza Afzal Beigh . Look  how  Bakshi Ghulam Mohd  grabbed the opportunity and sat on the throne .)


Sh.Shamas Ud Din who became Prime  Minister( Now called CM ) after Bakshi Ghulam Mohd was removed under Kamraj Plan  was nick named as  Shamma Kath ( Shamma  the Sheep ) by Kashmiris . Late D P Dhar was called D P Whiskey.  I  have heard many kashmiris calling Sheikh  Mohd Abdullah as  Oluvv Bub ( Potato father ). A   slogan was created by kashmiris to suit popular sentiment   during Peak popularity of Sheikh Mohd Abdullah  . The  slogan had inherent satire and humour :

ALLA   KAREGAA  WANGUNN   KAREGAA   BUB   KAREGAA

( Whatever Sheikh Mohd abdullah shall do let him do for kashmir .
Even if he makes  Brinjals  or gourds , let him make it .)

In early seventies i heard some  people raising a satirical and humour packed slogan

YEH     MULK      NAKHUSS       TULUKH
PONDUSS   HEUTUKH   DABALUSS  KUNUKH

( This country has been carried  on shoulders ,
Bought for a a pound , It has been sold for a Penny. )

Kashmiris greet each other with a popular line

VAARAI CHHUKH  SAA

( Are you fine dear ?)

 Through a song they  even  made fun of this popular sentiment .

BHAIBEE  PATHER  BEH

GARAM  GARAM  BATTA  KHEH

BAA NAI  PATTA  LAARAI

AHAAN BEE VAARAI

VAARAI CHUKH  BEE  VAARAI

( Bhabi sit down,

Have hot rice

I shall not follow you?

Are you fine .

O Yes I am fine )

Shri Ghulam Mohd shah or Gul Shah as he was popularly known when he became chief minister of J & K came to be known as GUL CURFEW in Kashmir for repeated imposition of curfews.

I would often hear the cries of the CHANNA ( Roasted Kabuli Gram ) seller on the footpath outside our bank

CHANNA   HEY   CHANNA   HEY

PAANAI   IWAAN   KHEINN  HAY

BELL BOTTOM CHANNA  HEY

( Buy Channa  Buy Channa .

It goes down the  gullet without effort.
Buy  this bell bottomed  Channa)
We would quite often walk to our college from Rainawari. . Quite often  near Sathu Bar Bar Shah, my friend Kuldeep Machama  would start his  trick. He would make a poor face and request every man riding a  bicycle and  rushing towards Lal chowk 

"BAA  CHHUSS   BEMAAR

ME   TULAKH   NAA   COLLEGE  TAAM

KHODAA  SAAB  SOZEE  HAJUSS."

( I  am sick . can you pick me upto my college .

Surely with God's grace you shall perform Hajj ) 

Quite often the drama brought results in the shape of a free ride upto S P College . Whenever he failed to impress, he would cry at the back of the speeding bicyclist;

BEMMARUSS   FOOTRUTH    DIL

TSE  KHODAA SOZUUN JUDGUSS

( You have broken the heart of a sick  man

Let god send you before a Judge )
Enormous  popularity of some plays to quote

HERO MACHAMA, SHABRANG  and HAZAAR DASTAAN on Radio or Television   substantiates my argument that Kashmiris and Humour are inseparable.. But then Humour does not  Necessarily imply that the  person is actually  happy within . Bashir Badr comes to my rescue for this argument.


Yeh hansee Bhi Koi Naqaab hai
Jahaan Chaahe Hum Ne giraa diyaa 
Kabhi Uss Kaa dard Chuppa gaye 
Kabhi Apnaa Dard Chuppa Liyaa.

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